How to give a speech, Not!
by mannd1068
Summary: Duo has to give a sermon in front of a packed church and, yes, the chatter box is quite nervous. A little advice from Relena helps. This was an email joke that I received and instantly thought of this story.


How to give a Speech

Mannd

A/N: I got this joke over on my e-mail this afternoon, and after I read it this little story wouldn't leave my head. I don't know who came up with this joke, but I was still chuckling five minutes later. E-mail joke is at the bottom of the story. I do not own Gundam Wing, nor the joke. I am just using them to entertain myself and any who cares to read it. Enjoy!

The mission was a simple one, at least that's what it looked like on the outside. Infiltrate various business around the neighborhood where a suspected terrorist group was and find them, while staying at Relena's mansion. Heero sold flowers, Quatre became a garbage man, Trowa did city maintenance, WuFei worked at the local fast food restaurant, and Duo was posing as a young priest for the youth in the neighborhood.

Duo's eyes got large, "You want me to what?" he asked.

"I want you to give the sermon for the next two weeks," the monsignor said patiently as he watched the young man blink at him in shock. "You are after all a priest correct?"

"Yes sir," Duo said paling slightly, Forgive the white lie' he thought to God.

"Great!" the monsignor said. "Here are the notes on the next two sermons. I will be sitting in the audience." The Monsignor handed him two folders then turned and walked away. "I look forward to hearing your sermons."

Duo took the folders and smiled nervously, then went home for the night to study up on the sermon he was expected to give in two days.

Duo sat on the bench twitching nervously waiting for his cue to get up and speak. He nervously fiddled with the priest's collar around his neck as he tried to take deep calming breaths. Suddenly his cue came and Duo moved to the podium. He put the notes down and opened to the first page, and turned to the passage in his Bible. Then he looked up and froze. Hundreds of people were staring at him. He swallowed nervously and opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. A few titters came from a group of young kids at the back of the church. Duo cleared his voice again and in a very quiet shaky voice, proceeded to give the sermon.

When Heero and Relena came home that night they was surprised to see Duo sitting with his head in his hands looking as if the world had come to an end. Quatre was sitting on the couch next to Duo trying to comfort the depressed boy, while Trowa looked faintly amused. "What happened?" Heero asked.

Duo took a deep breath and looked up at his friend and fellow pilot. "Well you know how I was suppose to give a sermon today for the monsignor?" Heero nodded. "I got up to start the sermon and froze. I could not speak. Nothing would come out. When it finally did, it was barely a whisper. Good thing they had a microphone or no one would have been able to hear me."

"You? Unable to talk?" WuFei choose that moment to walk in to the living room from wherever he had been working out.

"Yeah," Duo said nodding sadly. "Me, unable to talk. I don't have a problem in a small crowd or with friends like here, but there were over five hundred people in that church this morning."

"Oh, poor Duo," Relena said as she moved to sit on Duo's side as Quatre, Trowa and WuFei left the room to get some dinner.

"What am I going to do next week?" Duo said. "I have to give one more sermon."

Relena looked thoughtful for a second. "You know," Relena smiled when Duo looked at her, his expression full of hope. "When I am nervous about giving a speech, I put a glass of vodka next to my water glass and take a sip if I need it." Heero and Duo looked at her in shock. "Well I do," Relena said almost defensively. "And it really helps."

"Really?" Duo said hope lighting his eyes. "Vodka huh?"

"Vodka," Relena said nodding her head.

Then next week went faster than Duo like and before he knew it, it was Saturday night. He went to a local liquor store and purchased a bottle of Vodka, and took it home. It sat next to his sermon notes and his Bible.

The next morning Duo got up and went into the sanctuary and using a spare glass under the pulpit poured himself a glass of vodka. He turned around and almost ran into the Monsignor. Duo grinned sheepishly. "A friend told me that taking a sip before I speak will help me calm down so I can speak in front of a large crowd."

The Monsignor nodded. "Good plan." He turned and walked back to his office. "Good luck, son."

Duo smiled. "Thanks."

Again, Duo waited for the proper cue and when it came he calmly stood up and walked to the pulpit. He opened his sermon notes, and Bible to the correct passage then looked up and gulped nervously. News of his sermon had leaked out and the church was filled to capacity. There had to be almost eight hundred people filling the pews. Duo quickly reached under the pulpit and grabbed the glass and took a drink.

When Duo got home that afternoon, Heero looked up at him and blinked at the blush on the braided pilot's face. "How did it go?"

"Well," Duo said rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. "I took Relena's advice and put a glass of vodka next to the water." Heero waited as Duo's struggled to find the words to tell him what had happened. "I got really nervous and took a drink." He grimaced, and then pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. "I found this taped to the office door, after my sermon."

Heero took the note and raised an eyebrow at as Duo's blush intensified, opened the note and proceeded to read. At his first snicker, Duo buried his face in his hands and groaned softly. By the time he was done, Heero had tears streaming down his face from the suppressed laughter as he tried not to laugh out loud at this friend.

"Well," Heero said as he regained his composure. "At least you know you won't get in trouble for the vodka." Duo just lowered his head and groaned as Heero proceeded to rush out of the room so that Duo wouldn't hear his laughter.

That night after Duo had been talked out of resigning his new post at St. Mary's Church, he had gone to bed with a blinding hangover headache. Heero saw the note from the Monsignor had been left on the kitchen table and smiling to himself grabbed it and turned on his computer and began to type. He sent the chain e-mail, and sat back and watched as the e-mail went around the world.

A few weeks later, Duo checked his inbox. He got a new joke from Quatre. He opened it and began to read, his face paling then growing red, "Heero!!" Duo yelled.

Heero ran into the bedroom and looked at the braided pilot. "What's wrong?"

"Care to tell me where this came from?" Duo asked his voice deadly.

Heero quirked an eyebrow and came into read Duo's e-mail. He turned bright red when he read the first few lines. "Ummm…" Heero looked up and saw Duo's gun pointed at him. "Now Duo, that's my job." Heero hastily began backing out of the bedroom.

"I'm going to kill you." Duo said as he slowly stalked after the Perfect Soldier.

Heero raised his hands placatingly. "It was just a joke." Heero said his tone pleadingly.

"Well it's not funny." Duo said as he glared at his friend as he followed Heero out of his bedroom and into the hall.

They heard laughter from down the hall and turned to look as WuFei came out of his bedroom. "Hey did you read the joke that Quatre just sent about the new priest and vodka?"

Duo looked at Heero and said one word. "Run." And Heero ran, with Duo close on his heels. WuFei looked after the two then shrugged his and turned back to his bedroom. He re-read the e-mail and chuckled to himself. "I'll bet Sally would like this…" he thought as he clicked the forward button.

At Preventer's Headquarters, Sally opened her e-mail and read the joke that WuFei sent.

"Sally, Quatre sent this joke, thought you'd enjoy it. For some odd reason, Duo is trying to kill Heero, so I must go and stop the idiot before any real harm comes.

WuFei

Her giggles alerted Noin, and Un who came over to investigate. She forwarded the e-mail to them and a few others.

Relena sat in her office working on a new speech. She heard screaming and saw Heero running by followed by screaming Duo. Relena raised her eyebrow then turned back to her computer. A new mail indicator flashed on her computer. It was from Noin.

When Relena read the e-mail she paled then burst out laughing. "Poor Duo…" she muttered to herself.

"What does Duo have to do with anything?" Zechs asked after he read the joke over his sister's shoulder.

"Oh nothing," Relena said quickly trying to hide her blush. She looked up in amazement as Heero ran by her window quickly followed by a gun totting Duo and a shouting WuFei. She quickly closed the e-mail and went back to her speech for the Environmental Speech she had to give next week.

Here is the email:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sht out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"

12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A/N 2

I am not promoting any religion. I don't know what kind of church a monsignor is over, so I took a few liberties with the service and whatever.

Hope you enjoyed this!


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